It Was Never “Just You”
- Kathryn Hurl
- 24 minutes ago
- 3 min read
Understanding ADHD in Women (and Why So Many Are Realising Later in Life)
There’s a moment I see often in my therapy room.
It’s usually quiet.
A pause…
Then something like:
“…I think it might be ADHD.”
Why are so many women only realising this now?
For many women, ADHD wasn’t missed because it wasn’t there.
It was missed because it didn’t look how people expected it to.
Instead of the stereotypical 8-year-old boy—can’t sit still, disruptive in class—it often looked like:
Overthinking
Emotional intensity
Chronic overwhelm
Perfectionism
Trying to fit in
Holding everything together… until it becomes too much
From the outside, it can look like coping.
On the inside, it feels exhausting.
What happens when it goes unrecognised
When ADHD isn’t understood, people don’t just struggle—they start to internalise it.
You might recognise thoughts like:
“Why can’t I concentrate enough to finish anything?”
“Why do I start ten things and complete none of them?”
“Why am I constantly making lists… and still forgetting things?”
“Why can’t I be on time—or I’m ridiculously early to avoid being late?”
“Everyone else seems to manage…”
“I must be the problem.”
Over time, this can lead to:
Anxiety
Burnout
Low self-worth
Feeling like you’re always behind, no matter how hard you try
Many women will have been diagnosed with anxiety or depression along the way. Often trying different antidepressants over the years—with varying degrees of success.
Sometimes they help a little. Sometimes not at all.
And underneath it all, there can still be this sense of:
“Something isn’t quite being understood here.”
Many of the women I work with have spent years pushing through this.
And they’re exhausted.
Why it often shows up in midlife
There’s usually a tipping point.
Sometimes it’s:
Becoming a parent
Work pressure increasing
A relationship change
But very often…
Perimenopause plays a significant role.
Hormonal changes can impact focus, memory, and emotional regulation—especially if ADHD traits are already there.
So things that once felt manageable suddenly feel much harder.
I often explain it using something my psychiatrist said to me:
“For years, you’ve been spinning a number of plates—just about keeping them going. Then perimenopause hits, oestrogen drops, and suddenly those plates start falling. ADHD hasn’t appeared… it’s been unmasked.”
That’s often when the question shifts from:
“What’s wrong with me?”
to
“Has this actually been ADHD all along?”
The moment things start to make sense
Understanding ADHD—whether formally diagnosed or self-identified—can be a turning point.
Not because everything suddenly becomes easy…
But because it starts to make sense.
The overwhelm
The difficulty with routines
The emotional ups and downs
The constant mental load
And with that often comes something powerful:
Relief.
A sense that maybe…
it was never a personal failing.
Do you need a diagnosis?
Some people choose to pursue a diagnosis.
Others don’t.
Both are completely valid.
A diagnosis can help with:
Accessing medication
Workplace support
Formal recognition
But understanding yourself doesn’t have to wait for that.
How I work with ADHD in therapy
In my practice, ADHD isn’t something to “fix”.
Instead, we focus on:
Understanding how your brain works
Untangling years of masking and coping
Reducing shame and self-criticism
Finding ways of working with yourself, not against yourself
Building a life that actually feels manageable
Because underneath all of that…
is someone who has been trying incredibly hard for a very long time.
If this resonates with you
You’re not imagining it.
You’re not “too much”.
And you’re definitely not alone.
Whether you’re just starting to question things, or you’re further along in that process, it’s okay to take this at your own pace.
A gentle next step
If you’d like to explore this further, I offer a calm, supportive space to begin understanding what this might mean for you.
You don’t need to have all the answers.
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